Our Unbelievably Fabulous 2020 Holiday Newsletter
Dearest Friends and Family,
As you know, my husband, the Amazing Bob, and I usually don’t do Holiday Newsletters, but we have so much to brag about this year that we simply couldn’t help ourselves. 2020 has been AMAZING.
First of all — big news — Bob has had a huge JOB CHANGE. He has gone from working in an office to our dining room. The perks of this have been incredible. He has a new, non-ergonomic chair and gets to share his workspace with all our IKEA dishware. Best yet, as he struggles to log onto Zoom meetings with folks from Namibia and Moldova, he gets to have his wife hovering over him, asking repeatedly, “Are you free for lunch yet? Are you free for lunch?”
This is because Susie, as she is thrilled to announce, has been liberated from any regular source of income whatsoever! As a result, she has now launched SEVERAL EXCITING NEW CAREERS including: cleaning all the doorknobs with hand sanitizer, nagging Bob about joining her for lunch, and yelling at strangers at the post office to pull up their goddamn masks. She takes particular pride in improvising meals with whatever the online grocers happen to deliver. For example, she recently ordered a head of broccoli but received seven pounds of eggplant instead. Have any of you ever eaten eggplant for fifteen days in a row? We really cannot recommend it highly enough.
We have also been embarking on FABULOUS TRAVELS together. Some days, we go from the living room to the kitchen. Other days, we go from the kitchen to the hallway. We’ve even had some forays to the garage! Best of all, we have been to our local park no less than 16 million times. The dog run, the feral children shrieking on the monkey bars, and the masked parents glaring at everyone murderously while everyone (except those fucking joggers) widely sidesteps each other? Well, we just can’t get enough of it. We’d post photos, but frankly, we’re afraid you’d implode with vacation envy.
In addition to all these glamorous adventures, we’ve also been reveling in the new, multiple hobbies we’ve taken up — namely, anxiety, insomnia, and grumpiness. Oh, and also Netflix. Has anyone else out there seen Netflix? It’s extraordinary, really.
Anyway, our lives are so utterly different and unique from yours right now that we simply had to write about them in detail. Because isn’t that what holiday newsletters are really all about?
Readers, in all seriousness, I’m just happy to be alive this year — with food, clothing, shelter, and, yes, all the frustrating technology that has allowed us to stay in touch with people we love. I hope this finds you as well as can be expected. Here’s to a better 2021 for all.
